Fuck damn it all
I think I’m really starting to lose it.
I can’t stop crying.
Did I do something wrong?
Furniture shopping and bacon cheeseburgers
You frustrate me like none other, but an hour or so at IKEA, a bacon cheeseburger, a chocolate milkshake, and a sweet kiss makes everything better. Thank you so much for today, even if I’m going to be up all night writing this paper on Descartes. Even if I’m forcing myself to listen to the Skrillex station on Pandora. I don’t know what it is about this music, but it’ll keep me awake. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to listen to it, so I want to finish this as soon as possible to get it done. Yeah.
Two friends have told me you do plan on asking me out…eventually. We’ll see. I don’t want to raise my hopes up too high in case you don’t, but I’m still hoping.
I have a good feeling. I hope it lasts.
Hey
Hey, you!
I really want to webcam with you right now, but I seriously need to finish these two papers. But I’m just so easily distracted by the mere thought of chatting with you. It’s ridiculous.
You still give me butterflies.
I think you’re rather beautiful
These words want to tumble out of my mouth quite often whenever I’m around you.
Even when you’re not around, actually.
Whoa, man.
It’s been over a month since I cried over you before going to bed.
Time to start counting all over again.
Damn it.
My mind says, “Listen to me.”
My heart says, “Listen to me.”
I say, “Shut the fuck up.”
“Why?” they say.
“I can hear the words but I refuse to listen. I can look at my options but I refuse to see.
Actually, wait. I don’t want to say I refuse; it’s more like I can’t help it even though I’m trying to.”
“Just listen to us.”
“No. Not right now. Just let me be.”
Let me be.
This quarter
kicked my butt. It still is. Just one more week.
Anyway
Fuck
It’s already March and I’m still so emotionally invested in this one dude. I can’t seem to let go. We have a sort of…arrangement.
I think we’re both internally conflicted.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t want to stop…but a small, small, small part of me says I should.
I deserve more than this, don’t I?
I deserve a full out relationship.
But…it’s because it’s him, and I’m fine with it. In a way. I don’t know.
I looked through our old text messages from when we first started to really talk.
Everything was so easy and uncomplicated back then. I felt like I could say anything. Now I’m more guarded. I’m confused. But when I’m around him, I feel content.
But I ache when we’re surrounded by others and we can’t do anything. This is a secret. I don’t exactly want it out and about too, but still. Sometimes I see this look in his eyes and I have to look away before I start hoping.
Maaaaaaaaaaaaan.
Fuck this week.
The person I’m most upset with is myself
Because god fucking damn it I don’t know how to move on and let go.
I’m so tired of feeling like this.
I thought I’d be okay.
This is a surprise. I don’t really know what’s going on, but this is a surprise.
This is too much to handle.
I just want to sleep everything away.
I miss late night phone calls.
I even miss texting late into the night.
I miss cuddling with you.
I miss watching movies with you.
I’m doing better. Much better. It doesn’t hurt as much.
But sometimes I can’t help but feel a surge of jealousy or some bitter feeling when I think about you.
Or her.
But, y’know, you and I at least had something, yeah? I should be thankful for that and for the fact that we’re okay.
I’ll be okay.
I miss you.
